Phoenix Rising

Lessons From a Porch Light

The last few weeks I've had a barrage of pornographic messages on Twitter. They are obscene, graphic and embarrassing. I block the senders and delete the messages, but they just keep coming. My other friends are getting them as well. We all feel so powerless to do anything to stop them - so we do the best we can and delete and block - again and again.

My email reflects Twitter. Everyday I get a multitude of invasive, downright obnoxious and over the top communications. Companies suggest they'll make me rich, young girls suggest things I don't want to mention.  Con artists offer to share their multi-million dollar bank accounts in the US if I'll only help them with a small funding. 

My personal space is filled with blatant disrespect.

Last week I was thinking about my childhood holidays.  My mom loved to host celebrations - so we were always having some form of party. There was a quaint little custom in my small southern home town. No one came to the door until the porch light was turned on. When we were ready for 'company', I excitedly turned the lights on. 

When we went to others' homes, we waited outside, or drove around the block - until their porch lights were on.  It was common courtesy. No one would have thought of intruding on the hosts personal space by knocking on the door before that light went on.

How far we've strayed from porch light courtesy.

We've lost the respect of personal space. Maybe it's too much exposure to virtual lives in games and movies. Maybe it's television and the wonderful reality shows some call entertainment - where people bare themselves to the world all for money. Maybe it's simply a case of following the wrong leader's example.

I think it's time we did something about it. I just don't know what to do.

These behaviors are so foreign to my own personal comfort zone, I don't know how to even think about them. What I do know is that I'm tired of the intrusions into my personal zone. From strangers, webbots and automated email systems to Twitter porn stars and spammers. But what can we do? Any thoughts are most appreciated.  As for me?

I miss the days of the porch light.

Primal Perception

I wrote a post last week entitled Ready, Fire, Aim. I closed with what I thought was a cute little double entendre'. Something lifke "Who knows, maybe we'll hit the bullseye!" followed, by a picture of a bull's eye...the Wall Street Bull's Eye to be precise.  Get it? If we focus on our goal and hit the bullseye, we'll do well financially.

My gal friends  got the pun.

I had an email from a friend right after I posted giggling with me about my wit - and obsession with cows. Another gal friend DM'd me on Twitter to tell me she loved irony in my post. Cool!

My guy friends didn't.

I expected a couple of my buddies to give me the big thumbs up. They didn't. So I asked them what they thought of my little subconscious message.  They didn't get it.  I had to explain it in detail to one of my dear buddies - and then he still didn't get it until he thought about it overnight.

Men and Women are sure wired differently.

In ways I never thought possible!  After that initial little giggle among a few friends, I did a VERY informal survey.  I asked ten guys and ten gals if they noticed a pun or subconscious message in my post.  Ten of ten gals caught the Bull pun. Three of ten guys caught it.  Seven guys didn't get it, at all.

I'm laughing as I write this, I can't help it. We're all so sure that we understand our audiences. We spend so much time crafting our messages, tuning the taglines until they resonate with our test audiences. We launch marketing campaigns and corporate branding, just knowing we are sending a clear and concise message.  Bull hockey:)

We know so little about how perception really works!

My post showed me something very unexpected. Why would there be such a dramatic difference in the way my friends saw that silly Bull? If anything, I would have expected the competitive guys to get the Wall Street Bull analogy. It just goes to show you, sometimes we see through caveman, or cavewoman eyes.

When we trigger the right patterns - we communicate. When we don't trigger a perception pattern - well, we miss our audience. We may never know why we hit or miss. It  may just come down to.....primal intuition.

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** If you want to read a fabulous book on our primal subconscious patterning - check out The Female Brain by Dr.Louann Brizendine.  It will blow your mind.

Friends Who Are My Family!

I've been on my own most of my adult life. 

I don't mind being alone. I'm an only child of two only children who had me at 42. I grew up as the only kid in my neighborhood. Now that my folks are gone, I don't have close family since I don't have kids. The good news?

I get to choose my family.

I've been lucky to meet great people throughout my life, friends who are my family. Sisters who I adore as an extension of my own heart,  brothers who are always there with just the right advice and an understanding shoulder. I'm so blessed by my special family.

During the really hard times, when I was care-taking my mom, then dad, then my friend with AIDS, they helped hold me together. They answered their phones at all hours of the night to lighten my terrors. I was physically alone, but my virtual family was there for me and I knew it.  I love every one of you even more for getting me through the ugliness formerly known as my 40's!

Then came Twitter.

I joined Twitter about six months ago. From the very first day I was blown away - by the Twerrific people I met, the sharing, open spirits of my Twibe.  Since then my family has grown by leaps and bounds. I am still blown away.  

I didn't know so many fabulous people existed!

People who I've never met have become my extended family. They share my joys, my dilemmas, my  just plain sucky days. We laugh at life, share our experiences, help each other in as many ways as their are needs. From Warsaw to Cairo to Kathmandu, I now have a family who shares my life - 140 characters at a time.  

I am blessed by each and every one of you.

Thank you -  to all of the gracious, loving, growing spirits who are my family.

My NEW Family Photo!

FYI - I joined Facebook a coupla months back - and now the family is growing even LARGER.  Thanks to all my new Facebook family as well - I'm gonna need a bigger Thanksgiving table!
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This post was created as part of a global groundswell of gratitude called TweetsGiving. The celebration, created by US nonprofit Epic Change, is an experiment in social innovation that seeks to change the world through the power of gratitude. I hope you’ll visit the TweetsGiving site to learn more, and to bring your grateful heart to the party by sharing your gratitude, and giving in honor of that for which you’re most thankful.

Ready, Fire, Aim

That's kinda backwards, isn't it?

I catch myself doing it all the time. I get an idea, remember something I need to do, all while I'm in the middle of something else. I'm distracted by the new thought, so I get up to go fix whatever, grab whatever, do whatever, so I can come back and focus. But then sometimes I can't remember where I was going or what I was going to do. Or I see something along the way and stop to do it, then move on to something else, and remember my original goal, um well, sooner or later.

50+ mentalpause may be partially to blame.

But not really.

Our pressure to deliver is my prime suspect. We have to do something to feel worthy, to make progress, to stay ahead of the crisis that is sure to come. So we rush into action, way ahead of thinking through our plan. We focus on the doing, the busy-ness, pointing to activity as progress. We do, do and do again and wonder why we never reach our goal.

We're so busy doing, we don't know when we're done.

We head into markets firing with all our value, assuming something will hit a willing buyer right between the eyes. We cover the proverbial wall with marketing and sales campaigns - assuming something will stick.  We cold call potential customers with the same androgynous script, firing our chest-thumping messages at them before we understand their specific focus. 

Doing, without a goal, is wasted energy.

A crisp, well-defined goal helps us focus our doing. With a specific goal in sight, we can leverage all of our actions into a coordinated effort. Each step of doing becomes a building block for reaching our ultimate goal. We're more efficient, we get more done and we're more successful.

We can only hit the target after we take aim.

So the next time we get that urge to rush out and do something for the sake of doing, let's all slow down. Plan, take aim and then do. We'll get much better results. And who knows?

We might just hit the Bull's eye!

He Said, She Said

I'm intrigued by the difference between what people say and what we hear.

Communication is such a nebulous exercise. Especially with the rise of non-verbal communication in the form of texting, email, tweeting, FB posts and more.  If communicating was challenging before our digital age, think how complex it is today.

We listen based on our own perspectives and experiences. We read based on those aspects plus whatever is going on around us. At least with a conversation we are somewhat focused on the person we're speaking with, or listening to, in the case of an audience experience. When we read a message - we may have lots of other things happening at the same time. That leads to even more opportunity for confusion or just plain mistaken perception.

That's why context is so important to communication.

We help our audiences hear our message when we communicate contextually, with stories or examples that bring home the power of the message we're sharing. That way everyone is on the same page, and we actually can hear what is being communicated.

When we throw out a concept to stand on its own, we leave too much to chance.

I laughed when a friend sent me some funny and oh-so-true cartoons about men and women attempting to communicate - in true Mars and Venus style. The fundamental issues aren't just in male-female relationships, they are all around us, personally and in business. We often hear something so much different than what is said - or written. Simply because of our own filters. How do we adapt those filters so that communication has a better chance?

When we share a concept in context - communication happens.

I just had to share a couple of the cartoons.  No offense meant to anyone. I'm sharing because I think they are funny  - and valuable to consider in our communications. Hope you enjoy!

We Get more Flies with Sugar

My southern mother had all kinds of cute sayings about life and the pursuit.  This one came to mind this morning.

"You get more flies with Sugar than you do with Vinegar".

I was chatting with an associate  about a client of his who is in a battle with another vendor at a customer site.  There's lots of finger pointing about who was causing which problem. In the meantime the customer is stuck in the middle as his business grinds to a pace that even tortoise land would view as slow.

My buddy was frustrated with their approach, so he'd called me more to vent than anything. 

From his client's perspective there were only two solutions:

• Get proactive.  This sounded exactly like the right option until I learned what they meant. To them, proactive meant 'slinging mud' and 'FUD' at the other vendor. I thought he was kidding, but it turns out he wasn't.  It truly was (and is) a strategy on the table. Point the finger and focus on proving that the other vendor was at fault. Now that's helpful to the customer, isn't it?


• Be reactive:  After the proactive approach I figured this one had to be better.  Wrong. This approach basically meant they would say as little as possible about anything to the customer or the other vendor, lay low and see how things worked out.  Basically, the vendor would play ostrich with his customer.

Where's the customer focus?

I was floored. I honestly didn't think anyone thought this way anymore.  But obviously some do - which is why I brought the SoapBox out.

• Is anyone thinking about the customer and the business impact this little vendor game is having?
• Are they focusing energy on finding a solution instead of just covering their tails? 
• Are they taking an honest, open, partnering approach to handling this situation?

In case you're wondering, the answers are No, No and No.

This vendor has an option to be honest, open and direct with the customer.

Instead, this company is focused on proving that it's not to blame and potentially starting a war with the other vendor.

They focused on Covering Their Butts.

This situation is a GREAT opportunity to create a stronger partnering relationship with the customer. This vendor could join forces with the other vendor and the customer's team - and show that customer that their business success is more important than any corporate ego. It's the chance to tell the truth and gain credibility.

The chance for honesty and partnering is long gone. 

I bet the flies do come even with this 'vinegar' approach. 

They'll show up to buzz the vendor's carcass after the customer shoots them dead.

Learning to Say No

I admire all my associates who just say No.

When a client or friend asks them for that little extra something, they sometimes graciously decline. They know exactly where their boundaries are, in business and in their personal lives, and they honor them.

I'm learning that skill - it's about time. I've always been the person who would do whatever it took to please everyone. One hundred hour weeks to pick up the extra load at a client's? No problem. When a client asks for that little extra something, I add it to my list and keep right on running.

We have to draw boundaries to be successful. 

I know this is true. I advise my clients to draw their boundaries with their customers, partners and even their employees. I've seen what overextending our resources can do to a business. Sometimes it's the right thing to do. But overextending isn't a sustainable approach to winning business and influencing friends.

What makes it so hard for some of us to say No?

For me, it comes from childhood training. I was expected to do more, be more, deliver more than anyone else around. I was a gifted child in a very small town. So everyone  knew I was different. The teachers pointed to me as the kid for others to model. To keep me from being a snot, my Mom told me God gave me extra special blessings to share with everyone, or He'd be displeased. My Dad expected me to be perfect - or else.

 I do believe I was successful as a consultant because I went the extra mile, gave my clients so much more value than they expected - or paid for. I also helped out every broken-winged bird that came my way, from friends and family to people I met in business. I took everyone under my wing, supporting them and ignoring my own needs. Finally, my inability to say No led to my big time physical burn out. At age 47, I went down hard. Four years later I'm just beginning to come back.

We all need to draw boundaries.

Maybe it's saying No to one more request from our biggest, and neediest, customer. Or limiting how far we go to keep that key partner engaged.  Perhaps we can walk away from that big opportunity that we know has a good chance of bringing our entire business to its knees.  Maybe it's as simple as offering to help an employee learn to do something for themselves instead of picking up the slack.

I was always proud of being the go-to-girl. Now, my own best interests are part of the mix as I continue to serve those around me.  It's funny.  As I learn to draw my boundaries, my friends and clients seem to respect me more as well. 

Never Say Never

What would we accomplish if we believed anything is possible?

I've been asking myself that question a lot lately. I'm transitioning from a 20 year career as a consultant, reinventing myself as an author and a speaker/business coach.There are days when I know I'm on the right track. The book is coming along, I have so much I want to share with audiences that I can't decide what to present in my first platform product. Everything is moving full speed ahead and I can feel my new life right here, right now.

Then there are days when I think it will never happen. I begin to question whether I can really make this change, start to limit my possibilities. I'm only fooling myself and throwing away my career. My dream life will never happen. Those are the really bad days.

A key to success is believing.

We all have crises of faith - in ourselves, our business, our world. I don't think that's unusual. The trick is to nip it in the bud, pivot our thinking and focus on that dream as if it were already real. We can manifest anything in our lives - if we believe.

These cowboys believed in the impossible. 

The first time I saw this video - I was astounded. I'm a horsewoman, born and bred. I was riding  before I could walk.  I thought I'd seen everything. I obviously hadn't.  Patches and these cowboys helped me once again appreciate the power of belief - in ourselves and in those around us. Let me know if they do the same for you!

I'll surely never say never again.

We CAN be Civilized!

Signs are all around that we're sliding down a slippery slope.

It's obvious to so many of us that 'society' is moving beyond civilization -  following the path of the once great Roman and Greek cultures . Business priorities are questionable, personal lives are filled with violence and disrespect.  The mighty quest for success seems to be rising above all things, including dignity, honesty, common courtesy and even our own kids. 

Just when I'm getting depressed - a Bright Light shines.

Last week my dear friend Dixie Dynamite (Dixie Gillaspie for those who haven't felt the power) sent a request out to FaceBook friends. Her friend Tammy's 8 year old son Robbie is fighting cancer. Dix is always talking about Robbie's bravery after years of chemo. He is a beacon of strength and positive thinking. Quite the 8 year old.

But this request wasn't for Robbie. It was for another kid who is fighting cancer as well - 5 year old Noah. Noah isn't doing as well as Robbie in his battle - he's losing.

The family is doing everything possible, but he's probably not going to make it to Christmas. So they decided to have Christmas early for Noah. When they asked him what he wanted for Christmas in November - Noah said Lots of Christmas cards.  Dixie put the word out to her friends for Noah's family, to support their precious little boy's final Christmas request.

Noah

I passed that request along, as did so many others. Blogs were written about Noah, and cards began to flow. Then more blogs came along, and more FaceBook wall posts and Twitter requests. The news literally flooded the social media universe. I did see a few comments about validating the story with Snopes.  Some of us don't trust anything anymore. 

But the majority of us DID trust. We opened our hearts to little Noah. Strangers from around the world united in a common cause - to make that little boy's Christmas wish come true. It is an outpouring of love, compassion and support that rivals anything I've ever experienced.

Noah engendered a showcase of civilized behavior.

I've heard all kinds of reports - from 30,000 cards waiting at the post office where Noah lives, to 3000 a day being delivered. I don't know if those numbers are true. But that's not what really matters.  We may never know the truth about the exact numbers.  Who cares whether its 3,000 or 30,000? Noah doesn't.

What matters is that we all united - and I know Christmas cards are flowing to make that little boy's precious face smile.

Noah's wish is coming true.

All of us are better for it. 

_______

If you still want to get a card off to Noah - here are his contact details:

Noah Biorkman

1141 Fountian View Circle

South Lyon, Mi 48178 .

Walt's Rolling in His Grave

I grew up with a happy friendly Mickey - ready to lend a hand to support his fellow 'Toons' and always there to brighten the day with a smile. Mickey was the symbol of good clean living, family values and All American spirit.

I still remember meeting Mickey for the first time in Disneyland - at the ripe old age of six.  I couldn't stop talking about him for weeks. I slept in that autographed Mickey T shirt until I was too big to fit into it anymore.I think I still have it somewhere in my memory boxes. Mickey was my hero.

The new Mickey is scary.

Mickey Mouse as he will appear in the game 'Epic Mickey'**

Disney created 'Epic Mickey" for an upcoming Nintendo Wii game. From what I've read - this new Mickey is dark. He even turns into a rat in the game. Bad Mickey is joined by a nasty robotic Donald Duck too. The theme of Epic Mickey seems to be 'No More Mr. Nice Guy'  - with all of our favorite Toons airing their dark side for our children - all in the name of family entertainment.

It feels like civilization is slipping farther away.

The wholesome civilized Mickey I loved is too boring for today's kids. Mickey wasn't edgy enough to attract, much less keep, their attention. How could he?  A child gets to shoot and kill as soon as they can hold a joystick. Blow up the enemy, destroy entire worlds. How can Nice Mickey hold a candle to the thrill of death and dismemberment?

Disney leaders felt they needed a nastier Mickey to attract today's kids. What better chance than with a hot seller like Nintendo's Wii as a partner in crime? Almost every family has a Wii. Once again, Mickey can return to the heart of the family. As a badass rodent on a mission.

What is Disney thinking?

The Wonderful World of Disney came into my childhood home every Sunday night.  We gathered around the TV, laughed and cried as stories of life and wonder beamed into our living room. When Tinkerbell scattered her golden dust across the magic castle, I jumped with glee. Disney was family entertainment - wholesome, honorable, inspiring and magical. Even in recent years, as entertainment has turned violent - Disney was the one brand my friends trusted with their kids. If it was Disney, you could depend on it being safe, civilized entertainment.

I understand keeping up with consumer demand. But I also understand the responsibility that comes with decades of customer trust.  In Disney's case, that trust involves our children, our future. That's a big responsibility. The new Mickey is proof to me that Disney has put profits at a priority over responsibility. They've caved to the trends - and taken their own step down the slippery slope toward the dark side - beyond civilized behavior.

What are we teaching our kids?

A civilized society is one of culture and grace, intellect and science, art and music.  Violence is the exception in civilized worlds, not the rule.

Ancient Rome began its slide with the rise of violence. Slaves were tortured, conquered enemies publicly disemboweled or crucified. The elite drank and made merry as gladiators killed animals, slaves and ultimately each other in the most horrible of ways - all for entertainment.

That sounds like some of today's gaming entertainment, doesn't it?

I wonder if Epic Mickey is set in the Coliseum?

** Source: Disney Interactive Studios